“WELL, THE SILVER LINING to being quarantined is we are not out spending money!” I hear someone saying…
Mmm, yeah. (While I click add to basket!)
It’s bad when the DPD delivery driver knows you by your first name. It’s very possible I may be invited to the DPD Christmas party this year.
Monday morning. I open the blinds and..
I don’t know about you guys, but my mail these days (when it eventually arrives!) either falls into one of two categories. Another Amazon purchase that I can’t remember ordering or a household bill. The Amazon order sounds good and before I’m about to get too excited about the surprise in the box, I check when the order was placed.
01.07 am on a Saturday morning after a small gin and tonic. Or possibly four. Disaster! This means that the gorgeous pair of heels I was eyeing up, got guilted into the ‘save for later’ list yet again and the Corona fear set in.
Another box of 50 face masks.
Fox. Ache.
I must start using the sign I purchased last week..
Ah well, never mind. There’s another letter for me here..
Dear Mrs Hargan,
Your estimated electricity payment for the last 62 days is…
WTF??!!
Ok, breath. It’s estimated. I’ll just ring them with the exact meter reading. That should shave off 60 or 70 quid easy.
“Excuse me??!! How is it possible that my bill has increased by another 20 quid?” I asked in outrage. “I’m not running Blackpool illuminations here!”
Great! Not only has the bill gone up by another 20 quid, my phone bill will be through the roof due to being on hold for 18 minutes while listening to ‘I will survive’ by Gloria Gaynor on repeat. How appropriate.
All the while Jamie and Lily are switching the living room lights on and off because they are having a disco.
“Leave the fecking lights alone! We’re on a sodding budget here!”
On the bright side, Jamie’s going back to play school on Monday! Woo hoo! I know I should be feeling a little anxious and sad at the fact that I’m going to miss him. This is quite hard to do when I’m currently in the middle of referring yet another fight over who’s outfit is cooler – Jamie’s new Hibs football strip (Courtesy of Gramps!) or Lily’s new princess outfit (Courtesy of Granny!)
“I hate green!” Screams Lily.
“You look like a sparkly dork!” Shouts Jamie.
Fox. Ache.
“Who wants to watch the spider film?” I ask.
“Yaaaaaaaaay!” They both shout while racing over to the sofa.
Yes, I’m talking about Arachnophobia. But before you judge – a few months back I was in the kitchen making dinner and I suddenly heard the kids giggling and laughing hysterically. I walked into the living room to find them both lying up on the sofa watching Arachnophobia!
“Mummy look! It’s Mr Skinny Legs (spider) from Peppa Pig!” Shouts Jamie, cracking up laughing.
Anything for a bit of peace. I walked away traumatised, but thought to myself it’s fairly educational. They are learning about bugs and arachnoids.
I’ve got Jaws recorded for next week.
So, we’re just trying to get through our last week before some kind of normality returns on Monday for us all. I hope all the kiddos that started back at school this week have enjoyed seeing all their friends again and get back into a routine. For all those parents, I hope you’ve not gone too mad with the cleaning and just enjoyed the peace and quiet for those few hours of the day. To all the teachers, sorry and good luck!
For the rest of us, once things return to normal and we are out of lockdown properly, I have a feeling Amazon’s sales will reduce dramatically. In the meantime though, I honestly do believe that Amazon need to take some responsibility and add some check boxes to the ‘PLACE YOUR ORDER’ page. I mean, the practical selections of ‘Please select billing address’ and ‘Is your postal address the same as billing address?’ are obviously essential. But then there should be, ‘Please enter how many alcoholic drinks you have had?’ By the time you have worked that out, it’s very likely that the 200 bog rolls on sale for £70 isn’t quite as essential as you first thought?
Amazon get your shit together!
Until then, if anyone needs any face masks – give me a shout!
