I’M AT A LOSS how to make a relationship work. Doesn’t matter how you feel or how much you love a person, sometimes it just won’t work. And when it doesn’t and your partner turns into an ex, you ask yourself pointless questions, feel guilty and frustrate yourself with thinking “what if?”
Exes are weeds of the brain, human dandelions. No matter how hard and often you are in the garden, there they are. The obligatory pain in the arse weed that no matter how much you spray, pull or jump up and down on, there they stay. They can pop up when you least expect it. When a familiar song comes on the radio, a film on TV or when you’re buying something off the internet…. you really miss that nagging voice in the background telling you, you don’t fucking need it.
My last serious relationship ended 6 months ago. And whilst it was a loving, passionate and fulfilling one… it was also a complete clusterfuck. Sufficient time has passed, the questions have stopped and the frustrating wondering has ceased. Looking back, I feel neither guilty nor sad. I introduce to you, Mr Weed. But this week is a little different.
Since this relationship lasted more than two minutes, I feel that telling you the entire story may turn into a novel rather than a my usual chunk of Bridget Jones with loose morals. So, I have picked out 3 of the wonderful moments when I knew the relationship was doomed. Enjoy!
1 – Friends
Mr Weed was, on occasion, completely fucking deluded. I had to be in his company when I wasn’t at work and if I went anywhere without him I had to be prepared to deal with a sulky toddler when I got back.
I met a girl at my work and we got on like a house on fire. It was refreshing to have someone else to speak to. She would come to our house for dinners and drinks but her reception from Mr Weed became increasingly frosty.
I eventually confronted him about it and was met with a surprising response. He felt like she was stealing me from him! I didn’t realise I was an IPod or a laptop. As I laughed I asked him to elaborate so I didn’t feel like an inanimate object. I stared at him in disbelief as my partner who is supposed to know me better than anyone else was basically accusing me of having a lesbian relationship behind his back.
I wasn’t sure how to deal with this. It’s not every day that my boyfriend thinks I’m snacking on bacon between the sausages if you get my drift. I wondered if he was just playing out some kind of sexual fantasy.
One time Mr Weed was leaving early to go to work. My friend had stayed over after a heavy night drinking. I jumped under the duvet with her on the airbed to watch some daytime TV. Obviously I was just waiting for him to leave before burying my head between her thighs, oh no wait… I just slipped into my exes delusions there. All I wanted was to watch a bit of Jeremy Kyle and laugh at the scum with a friend. With the look of complete hurt and anger before he stormed out to start his shift, the only thing we were left laughing at was his reaction.
Things came to a head soon after. My girlfriend and I went out for drinks at the local club, Mr Weed tagged along to make sure we weren’t wrapping ourselves in the rainbow flag and giving each other lap dances. After a few drinks, nature called and both of us went to use the toilet. The day after, I woke up and went to use the bathroom. As I was sitting on the loo, in came Mr Weed. I was shocked that he had peeled himself out of bed early to watch me urinate but hey, some guys are into that. But when I asked him what he was doing he replied…
“If she saw you going to the toilet, it’s only fair I do too.”
No word of a lie. I didn’t see my friend as much after this as Mr Weed acted increasingly like a character from a Stephen King book.
2 – Sex and Shopping
Mr Weed and I went through a particularly hard time and had to move in with his parents for a while last year. As much as I appreciated the help and support his family gave me, living 24/7 in one room with Mr Weed… became… slightly… testing.
Arguments were rife and our relationship started to crumble. But his main problem was the lack of sex.
Now… I can be into some kinky stuff on demand or request but I’m not into naughty riding right next to the parents. The walls were paper thin and it was a real turn off having the image of his Mum and Dad hearing the sheets ruffling and springs squeaking. If I was the guy I wouldn’t be able to get anything up let alone my temper at my girlfriend for not wanting a little sumthin sumthin.
But he was not a normal boyfriend, and low and behold he resorted to outright shouting at me because I wasn’t up for it. Insecurity took hold and he started to question whether I still fancied him and why I was being so distant.
I thought it would have been obvious, I just didn’t want to fuck whilst Mummy and Daddy were turning up the volume on their TV drowning the noise out. But I guess Mr Weed and his paranoia had a stronger relationship than his common sense at the time.
It wasn’t like I didn’t suffer either. Due to the lack of action, I spent most of my spare time on Amazon shopping my frustration away. But this didn’t go unnoticed.
One morning his Mother thought I was out and I heard her telling him that I had a problem and if I didn’t stop shopping I could cause serious problems in the future!
As Mr Weed eventually told her I was in the next room and heard everything, she shut herself in her bedroom. When I needed to speak to her about something she immediately apologised.
If only she knew. My shopping was going to cause future problems? Not the low self esteem and mentally challenged partner I have… no? My mistake. She was right Amazon is the number one reason of break ups and failed marriages. Her pearls of wisdom were priceless.
So that was a really fun time. No sex or shopping. Joy. I managed this without resorting to self harm or going completely insane, go me!
3 – Ill Health
Last year was full of delights (sarcasm). Not only did my relationship resemble something out of the program Shameless, my health failed and I was admitted to hospital for a month. Mr Weed stepped up and really did his best to look after me.
Big surprise, this didn’t last long and when I eventually returned home, a whole load of resentment and anger came pouring out of his mouth.
When a girl is recuperating, here’s a list of things you shouldn’t say to speed up her recovery…
“If I was going to cheat on you, I would have done it while you were in hospital.”
“See when you cry, it really puts me off you.”
“My brother thinks you’re faking your illness.”
“You’re getting better now, I feel like you’re leaving me behind.”
It’s amazing we lasted as long as we did
Looking back, I have no idea why I put myself through it. All I can say is that being in love can sometimes be a very bad thing. Be careful who you let into your life or you might find that you have to keep the weed killer with you at all times just in case.
So, while some of you think my life of disastrous run-ins with the male species may be reason to feel sorry for me. I wouldn’t have it any other way. Relationships in my experience are just as awful!
Besides, I don’t want to meet Prince Charming yet…. where’s the fun in writing about that?
