Nicola Sturgeon Covid Inquiry Square

How to avoid another Nicola

BACK IN FULL BLOOM, literally in the pink, Nicola Sturgeon took the stand at the UK COVID Inquiry to talk preparedness.  Maybe not the last time we’ll see her take the stand.

Listening to her, it was easy to be triggered and brought back to those nightly briefings during the not-so-distant lockdown.  For those of us who can still remember the 80s TV series ‘V’ it might be confused by memories of the Supreme Commander taking over the world and making her briefings whilst later swallowing whole rodents. But at least that one ended well.

So to make the best of a bad lot, maybe we need to do our own inquiry.   We need to learn our own lessons from the catastrophic self-harm that was voting the SNP into power and what planet we were on when the good people of Scotland were held under the spell of Ms Nicola Sturgeon.

Next time let’s be more prepared.  And let’s agree with her on this one thing:  Living with a Nicola is not an option.  And only by knowing a Nicola will we suppress a Nicola.  Let’s see what we learnt yesterday because well, never again.


Here’s what we found out.

•    Nicola’s testimony was littered with adverbs and emphasis. Bold and in capitals is the only typeface for Nicola.   Certainly and deeply and absolutely and definitely seems to be her ‘tell’.  Anything less than a ‘certainly true’ appears to mean ‘might have a grain of truth somewhere’.    Truth for Nicola is on a truth spectrum.

•    And speaking of spectrum, anyone suggesting that Nicola lacks empathy? Boy did she prove them wrong.  She gave a heartfelt message of sympathy to those affected by Covid – followed-up by a reassurance that she and her government did their   Not actual objective best of course.  Because their best was someone else’s rubbish.

If you get zero out of ten on your spelling, then your spelling is terrible.  Getting a sticker for best is ok in primary school.  Not in a government.    And it was there again in John Swinney’s later testimony.  Yes we cut budgets said Mr Swinney, but Health was the lowest cut budget.  Nice reframe to outwit us dummies.   

•    We could also glean that for the SNP, written records are for tedious bores. Why be all uptight and write plans?  No, Nicola reassured, there was planning you see, but it was in people’s heads.    Because of course, SNP are all about the thinking.   When the boring lawyer mentioned minutes from meetings where the SNP failed to turn up, our Nicola seemed surprised that a) people kept minutes at all, and b) that people would ever actually rely on them.    Scrupulous record takers, they are not.

Still, you don’t make an omelette without breaking some eggs.  And you don’t destroy a country without some bad decisions, bad systems and terrible people.

•    Nicola’s slopey shoulders were very much in evidence and her excuses was very much on display. The Tories, the Brexiteers, the UK systems, all of them getting in the way of her pandemic preparedness.    The mere possibility of a no-deal Brexit ate her homework in 2019, despite having had that homework since 2011 and warning of a possible Brexit in her 2013 White Paper on independence.

•    It was clear Nicola never ever takes responsibility. She says she does, of course, but doesn’t.  Like the non-apology Nicola has perfected – the ‘take full responsibility (but it’s not my fault)’.  It would be easier if she looked for one minute a little shifty, like a voice in her head, a little Jiminy Cricket was speaking to her.  But no, there is no self-doubt in those eyes.  One. Bit.

•    Nicola is not at the inquiry to reflect, learn or grow. No need for an inquiry for her. The only question was whether she could have done ‘more’.  And by more she means more lockdown, more  Those were the days, eh Nicola?   Anyone who can look back at that mad time and try and say it was justified will often talk about the ‘benefit of hindsight’.  But now, we can see very clearly the mess and the damage done to our country and especially the young.   What does Ms Sturgeon think? That the enquiry’s most important question is ‘how right was Nicola?’

So what did we glean?  Nicola Sturgeon is as egotistical, chaotic, irresponsible, rigid, vague and power-hungry as ever.  Now, where’s my red spray paint?  I feel a V coming on.

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The Alien commander, Diana, snacks on a rodent in the Sci-Fi TV series ‘V’ courtesy of Warner Brothers.


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