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The Mummy Diaries – Handy holiday planner (Last week-of-holiday-hell ideas)

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WHATEVER way you look at it, the Easter holidays haven’t really been Easter holidays. I mean it’s like we’ve just been flung back into a level ‘Z’ lockdown but instead of the usual government antics of making us feel bad about eating our own body weight in sugar and alcohol, it has been completely acceptable to eat three Easter eggs before 10am and me be on my third G&T before the evening news. But remember folks, “make sure and pass the time by walking eight hours a day around the garden because it’s good for your mental health.”

Fox. Ache. So instead of another week of…

“What are we doing today mummy?”

“What are we doing now?”

“I’m soooooooo bored.”

“Right, get your jackets on and go and play outside then.” I say exasperated.

“But there’s a blizzard mummy.”

“Put a hat on then.”

Mmm. Maybe not. And of course in true tradition, a holiday wouldn’t be a holiday without everyday pissing rain, blowing a gale and the odd snow shower thrown in for good measure.

We have already exhausted the task of emptying out the toy box so we can play with new toys. This worked the first three days and kept them busy but Jamie and Lily are now sick of even looking at the toy box and apparently all their toys are rubbish.

We have done the clearing out of the kid’s rooms and sorting the wardrobes. I mistakenly thought this would kill two birds with one stone with keeping the kids busy and actually getting a job done at the same time. Ha! What actually happened was a complete rammy, with kids’ clothes lying everywhere and while I ran downstairs for 30 seconds to grab my phone, Jamie had decided to put Lily’s favourite princess dress on for a laugh. Of course the dress got stuck and what started off as a joke, ended up in casual violence and the end of the world for Lily while she had to endure the pain of watching her brother get cut out of her favourite dress ever!

And no, I’m not reassigning his gender because of it!

So in a desperate attempt to recover at least one day, I thought we’d venture out to the local play park whether it was rain, hail or shine. Sounds good in theory but when you have two toddlers of varying abilities and ages and one gets stuck at the top of the 15-foot climbing wall, it’s not so good! You then have to try and climb said wall yourself to rescue the little monster. Then slide down the metal slide of death while giving yourself 3rd degree burns whilst enduring whiplash when you reach the bottom because your arse got stuck. All the while shouting to your youngest, “Please don’t empty mummy’s purse on the swings!” While the other kids are getting pelted with store cards and change.

It’s those rewarding parenting moments when you’re on your hands and knees picking up loose change and cards off the ground while being glared at by all the ‘perfect mummies’ that have their shit together (their turn will come – Ed). Or maybe they are just secretly grateful that it was me and not them on this occasion? I don’t know. After a screaming match on the walk home because I have ruined Jamie’s life as we couldn’t stay at the play park any longer – and while I’m sat in the bathroom sticking sodding Peppa Pig plasters to my elbows due to the slide burns, it came to me. I’m not winging it anymore! I NEED a plan.

So here we are. The last week of hell the Easter holidays. And I have had a plan, we have made it to the middle of the week and so far, so good.

MONDAY AM – Birthday and Christmas lists

I know, I know! It’s only April and evening thinking about the ‘C’ word let alone mentioning it could send some mummies to the alcohol cupboard but trust me when I tell you, this worked a treat and actually kept them busy ALL morning. After a rummage through the kitchen drawers and finally finding the old Smyths catalogue, I looked out some paper, scissors, colouring pencils (because I didn’t feel like scrubbing pen off the table) and some Cellotape (because I didn’t want a trip to A&E and have to explain why my two-year-old has glued her fingers together) – and result! What I thought may have lasted an hour at the most actually lasted almost three hours. Whoop whoop!

MONDAY PM – Wash toys in the garden

I pounced on the opportunity of a couple of hours of some sun and fresh air. And before anyone had the chance to complain about being bored after 10 minutes, I gave them a heap of toys and a basin of warm water and clothes.

Slightly embarrassing moment when my neighbour glanced over and spotted my kids washing toys while singing “It’s a hard knock life” from Annie (one of their favourites) but hey I’ll take embarrassment along with peace and quiet any day of the week!

TUESDAY AM – Baking cupcakes

This is a dead cert in our house to kill a couple of hours. The only problem is the devastation left afterwards. But I managed to turn that into a peaceful event as well..

TUESDAY PM – The eating of the cupcakes and the clear up.

Of course the eating part was no problem but when it came to suggesting the pair of them help me sweep up the crumbs and scrub blue and pink icing off the walls, then Houdini wouldn’t have had a look in! Funnily enough they seemed happy to play quietly in the sitting room for some reason??!!

WEDNESDAY A.M – Skype family.

This is always a winner for a wee while and then bam!

“Have you had a nice week so far? What have you been up to?” Asks Granny.

“Mmm, yeah it’s been good. Mummy made us sit in the garden, it was so windy and we got to scrub our toys until they were clean!” Says Jamie excitedly.

Fox. Ache.

I then had to frantically explain that it wasn’t quite the torture that it sounded!

WEDNESDAY PM – Peppa Pig shredded roast hog

I suggest a Peppa Pig rally with back to back episodes in the hope this will keep them occupied so I can actually get some housework and work done. Unfortunately, this doesn’t quite work out in the way I hoped…

“Mummy, come and sit with us? Pleeeeeeeease?”

“Erm, okay.” I reply.

Fox. Ache. Only two episodes in and I’m ready to put my head in the oven. Not quite the desired outcome but some peace and quiet restored again for an afternoon.

THURSDAY AM – Walking on hot coals

‘The floor is lava’ game. This is a gem! After pulling all the sofa cushions onto the floor and making a path around the house. The kids have to take turns of making their way around the path without touching the lava (the floor). Yes, your house will look like you have been burgled but this is why I am currently able to write my blog at this moment in time!

THURSDAY PM – The pizza plan

Yes, food again. But this time instead of making diabetic creations, I thought this would kill an hour or so and make the dinner at the same time. This is the plan for this afternoon, so I will let you know if this results in a peaceful dinner or cheese and tomato pandemonium!

And this is where we are at the moment. So, to the mum that’s just about holding it together in the play park, to the mum that’s locked herself in the bathroom so she can have five minutes to herself, to the mum that fires the kids outside when it’s raining or windy so the kids can burn off some energy, to the mum that sits up until 1am not because she’s not exhausted but because she needs time for herself and to the mum that’s counting down the sleeps until play school/school starts again – you are AMAZING. You are doing a GREAT JOB. You are HUMAN. Regardless of what you see on social media, we ALL have our good days and bad days.

#WeGotThis

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