A teetotal lockdown, avoiding A&E and “love you too Mummy!”

A teetotal lockdown, avoiding A&E and “love you too Mummy!”

by Emma Hargan
article from Thursday 23, April, 2020

The Mummy Diaries

WELL, it’s been a slightly better week than the last one but let’s face it, the only way was up!

After hitting rock bottom last week, I was determined to not let this become the new Groundhog Day routine of me roaring and shouting all day, the kids constantly fed up and grumpy and then, well, repeat. After spending last week calling Joe Wicks all the names under the sun after his announcement of “You can’t exercise out a bad diet”, I decided to take the bull by the horns and sign up for his Get Lean in 90 Days Plan. (Sounds like Joe’s sales pitch worked! – Ed.)

Lily has learned some new words and phrases and thankfully, they don’t contain any swearing! But we have had a few ups and downs this week of course. How we have managed to avoid having to go to the NowDoc, I have no idea! Is there such a thing as a nice, calm, quiet week with kids? Answers on a postcard please!

I realised last week that part of the problem with me and the kids starting to be at loggerheads is because I actually don’t have any time for myself. My days and early evenings are filled with looking after Jamie and Lily and then I spend the rest of most evenings in front of my laptop working. If someone actually asked me what my hobbies were, I would have to say none. Unless watching the latest scary movie on Apple TV while necking a nice bottle of Yellowtail Shiraz counts?!

I love being a Mummy and so so grateful that I am able to work from home but I don’t think it’s unreasonable to allow myself a bit of ‘mummy time out’ now and again is it?  So, I came across the Get Lean in 90 Days Plan which involves HIIT training sessions five days per week and a meal plan. The training sessions only last half an hour at a time and I can do them at any time of the day. Perfect for my schedule just now! So, naturally I spoke to James about it, told him about all the benefits and while he was nodding his head in agreement (and I thought he’d switched off) I mentioned the signing up fee, the stuff I needed to buy like blenders, digital scales etc and the weekly food allowance.

“Jesus Christ Emma! Would it not just be cheaper to sew your mouth up!” James blurted.

Fox Ache.

“Right, fine.” I said, while doing the wife death stare.

“Err, well whatever, if you think it will be good for you, then go for it surely. Happy wife equals happy life!” He replied jokingly.

“So glad I discussed this with you.” I said while heading towards the laptop more determined than ever to go ahead with the diet and exercise plan.

Saturday night and the kids were down to sleep and I signed myself up. I didn’t think I could have felt any worse than I already did, until I had to submit a plan of what I would usually eat and drink in a week. Then I had to submit my measurements. Then the piece de resistance – I had to submit photos of myself in my underwear.

“Can you help me take these measurements? I have to submit everything together.” I said to James.

“Yeah, hang on I’ll get the tape and the scales.” He replied.

So with the sad step laid out in front of me, I took a sip of my vino, took a deep breath and stood on the scales.

Not as bad as I thought – 8 stone and 42 pounds. A-hem!

“Right take a photo of me face on, sideways and at the back.” I said.

“Err, you might want to put the glass of wine down.” James said.

Whoops! Ah well, this is my last glass for 90 days so I’m going to enjoy it!

Everything submitted. I looked at the photos again. I don’t need a plan – I need a miracle and some surgery!

The rest of the weekend was spent getting jobs done around the house while James spent a bit of time with the kids, giving me a chance to have a wee break. Lovely!

The whole week wasn’t so plain sailing though. Monday went well up until dinner time. I made a Jamie favourite of burgers and mash potatoes. I thought I’d be sneaky and pile on some peas on his plate in the hope that he wouldn’t notice and scoop them up with his mash. He did scoop them up but not in the way I’d hoped!

After dinner, Jamie and Lily went through to play while James and I cleared away the usual devastation when I heard Jamie having a sneezing fit. This wasn’t just three or four sneezes, this went on and on. I went through and Jamie could barely see through watery eyes and couldn’t speak for all the sneezing. I wiped his face in case he had rubbed something into his eyes and blew his nose but the sneezing was still continuing. That’s when Jamie revealed the truth.

“Mummy, pea up my nose!” Jamie said.

“What? There’s a PEA up your nose?” I repeated.

Jamie nodded.

Fox ache.

James lifted Jamie up, laid him flat on the table and shone his phone torch up Jamie’s nose. And there it was, wedged up as high as you like. I spent the next ten minutes trying to get Jamie to blow his nose but it wasn’t for budging. Then James came up with the idea of using a Calpol syringe to suck it out. Hey presto! Oh my heart, I really don’t want a trip to the docs now! Disaster averted and I think it may have put Jamie off putting anything up his nose again. I’m hoping!

The following morning and I was straight into my training routine and the kids were brilliant. They actually joined in at one point but I think they spent most of the time in hysterics watching me trying to do a star jump and a burpee – not a pretty sight! As a treat, I said we would go for our usual walk but we’d stop in at the shop on the way home for an ice cream for them. (Not essential I know, but in a toddler’s head, ice cream qualifies as an essential shopping item.) Jamie and Lily were super excited and couldn’t wait to get out of the house.

It was a cracking day; the sun was out and the pair of them looked very summary with their shorts and t-shirts on. We headed out to our usual trail and never saw a soul. Once we got off the main road, I let Jamie walk himself (as usual) and he took off up the hill. This was fine if he was actually looking where he was going but tripped over his own feet and landed on the knees. It was a scratch and one knee was bleeding a bit but you could have heard the squeals from outer space. Poor soul, I think he got more of a fright than anything but the reminder of a promise of an ice cream at the shop soon brought him round!

After we got home and the ice creams were long devoured, we then had the drama of cleaning the knees and selecting the ‘right’ colour of plaster. Once an acceptable plaster had been selected, Jamie then developed a hobble and was walking about like he had a wooden leg all afternoon. Typical man, all over a scraped knee!

In the meantime, Lily has now developed a new technique with her suicide jumps. She carefully lays out the cushions on the floor in case the said jump doesn’t quite go to plan. A bit safer you may think? Well yes but what she doesn’t bank on is Jamie removing the cushions from the floor before she jumps. Hmmm. Jamie also had a near miss in the garden where he jumped on top of the bouncy ball and in bouncing off did a triple salto before just missing the stones. Then, on top of it all, I’m still on plug patrol. Although, James did come up with a great idea of giving Jamie a spare plug socket he had in his toolbox. Jamie spent a while plugging in all his stuff when he walked over to James, handed him back the socket and says, “Thanks Daddy, but it’s not working.”

Can’t pull the wool over the boy anymore!

So basically, nowhere is safe just now. I have come to the conclusion that kids will be kids and no matter how much time or money we spend on kid-proofing the house, there will always be wee accidents and I just have to keep calm and mummy on.

Last night, I was putting Lily down to sleep in her cot and as usual, gave her a kiss and said “Love you Lily.” I went to walk out the room and Lily said, “love you too Mummy”. My heart nearly melted as that’s the first time she has said that to me. Don’t care what happens now, that’s made my week!

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