The Mummy Diaries: Two babies - Week 4

The Mummy Diaries: Two babies - Week 4

by Emma Hargan
article from Wednesday 18, July, 2018

THE HELP IS GONE! I am now responsible for washing, ironing, dinners, dishes, bottles, hoovering, washing floors, cleaning bathrooms, washing floors and oh yeah - keeping two human beings alive as well. I used to work for the Procurator Fiscal in Edinburgh, for God's sake, I can do this...

It was an emotional start to the week. My Mum and Dad had to leave first thing on Monday morning and to say that I will miss them would be an understatement! Not only did they help look after Jamie and do all the driving about and clean the house, it was lovely to have the adult conversation and company for the last few weeks too. 

Now don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love being at home and being lucky enough to have the privilege of watching my kids grow up and the baby blethering and listening to the Minions banana song at least 5 times a day. It was just nice to have the best of both worlds for a while. Of course, Jamie went into meltdown when he realised that his Granny was leaving and made her feel ten times worse while standing at the front door with teary eyes and his hands up looking for her to take him with her. Oh aye, happy to ditch Mummy at the drop of a hat!

And then there were three of us. All day. Without husband or relatives to help if one of them stops breathing, or escapes, or any other horrific incident that went through my head! OK, I’ve totally got this. 

Mum had taught Jamie to walk down the stairs while holding her hand, which meant I wouldn’t have to lift him after having the section. The only time Jamie would need to be lifted was when he was going into his cot for his nap in the afternoon as hubby would do the lifting at bedtime. Good stuff! Looks straightforward. With the kids upstairs and not crying for five minutes, I grabbed a quick shower and got dressed just in case the nurse made a surprise visit and I didn’t look like I’d been dragged through a hedge backwards. 

Even after I got myself dressed, the kids were still happy enough, so I started to change the beds and clean the bathroom. Half way through the cleaning, Jamie was starting to get fed up and started doing this scream that sounded like he was being murdered! In an attempt to quiet him down before the neighbours called the police, I franticly gave him a bag of Wotsits to calm him down and give me another five minutes finishing up cleaning. Sorted. Jamie Oliver take note!

Five minutes later, the upstairs was cleaned up and I was showered and dressed. This is easy, I can totally manage two kids and the house! Feeling all confident, I went into Jamie’s room to get him and take him down the stairs. He was still munching away on his Wotsits in one hand and took mine with the other. We only got about three steps down when the crisp bag ripped and his Wotsits fell out down the stairs! Well, cue the biggest tantrum I have ever seen. He actually turned scarlet, I thought he was going to pass out with rage. I quickly lifted him, ran down the stairs and picked up the orange maggot-like puffs as quick as I could but unfortunately, Jamie was now past the point of no return. He had completely lost the plot. 

OK, juice! Juice always helps. Only thing was, I had put water into his juice cup earlier instead. Needless to say the juice cup quickly turned into a missile and got ricochet across the room, narrowly missing Lily’s crib in the process. 

Luckily for me, Lily loves noise and will only wake up when she’s hungry, needing changed or if the house is silent. After this morning’s ruckus, she was sleeping soundly. Jamie on the other hand was still so furious at having dropped his Wotsits that it took having to endure listening to the banana song three times before he calmed down. First drama of the day resolved.

It was a beautiful afternoon and after Jamie had woken up from his nap, I let him out the back garden for a play. Right, Jamie can play for a bit and then I’ll feed Lily her bottle and then make dinner. James is going to come home and the house will be spick and span, dinner made and the kids fed and watered. Job done? Not exactly…

After 10 minutes or so, I looked out of the kitchen window to find Jamie playing in his wee toy house that his Granny and Gramps had bought him. They had also got him a wee table and chair for inside the house, so he can sit and do colouring or whatever. Sounds lovely right? Not in a two-year-olds head! Jamie had climbed on top of the table and managed to fall backwards out of one of the house windows and onto the grass! Now the height of the window isn’t even up to my knee but I think he got more of a fright than anything else. Cue the second meltdown of the day! 

A few cuddles and tears later, I came back into the house where Lily had started to stir, looking for her bottle. Oh God,  it was now time I should be getting the dinner on! OK, no problem. I fired a frozen pizza into the oven for convenience (Jamie Oliver take note ), made Lily’s bottle and unlocked the front door for James to get in while Jamie was outside. Organised again.

I sat down to feed Lily while keeping an eye on Jamie playing outside. All of a sudden I felt this warm sensation. I know what you’re thinking. Oh isn’t that nice. No, not a nice warm sensation of endearment of watching my kids play. A warm sensation of pee soaking into my t-shirt and jeans! Lily had had a baby poo explosion and it had gone through her nappy, babygrow and then me! Oh, “have kids” they said! “It’ll be fun” they said! What to do now?

I finished feeding Lily her bottle and shouted Jamie in from the garden so I could run upstairs and grab Lily and me some clean clothes. No chance - Jamie was raging at having to come in, he threw himself on the floor and had another full on tantrum! Just in time for James to walk through the door.

“How was your day?” James says.

Jamie was screaming, the pizza was burnt to a crisp in the oven and Lily and I were covered in poo.

What could I say, “Shit happens!”

ThinkScotland exists thanks to readers' support - please donate in any currency and often


Follow us on Facebook and Twitter & like and share this article
To comment on this article please go to our facebook page